


A Crappening of Monumental Proportions

by MistyBeethoven



Series: "Yes, I Really Am This Pathetic!" or "How to Say I Love You With a Story" [38]
Category: A Happening of Monumental Proportions (2017)
Genre: April Fools' Day, BBW, Bathroom Sex, Bathrooms, Chair Sex, Dirty Talk, Dressing Room Sex, Established Relationship, F/M, Farting, For Adults Only, Hand Jobs, Heart-to-Heart, Insecurity, Large Breasts, Loss of Virginity, Love, Love Stories, Milkshakes, Nipple Play, Oral Sex, Overweight, Penis In Vagina Sex, Penis Size, Possibly gross, Relationship Discussions, Romantic Gestures, Scat, Self-Indulgent, Self-Insert, Soulmates, Virginity, dirty - Freeform, size doesn't matter, toilet sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-01
Updated: 2020-04-01
Packaged: 2021-02-23 07:14:37
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,900
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23007739
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MistyBeethoven/pseuds/MistyBeethoven
Summary: Bob and I have been dating for over a year and, while our phyical intimacy leaves absolutely nothing to be desired, there is one major problem:My lover won't let me see his penis.Having been cheated on by his former wife, Nadine, with her boss, Daniel, my poor Bob has developed an insecurity regarding his equipment and chooses only to make love in the dark.When we both get stuck in the washroom where Bob once confronted Daniel, and have to spend the night locked in its small quarters we get to have a heart to heart about the comparing of part to part and how I'm in love with whatever he's got because it's attatched to him.After a rather unusual and dirty opportunity presents itself I put my action where my mouth is by putting my mouth where his part is in order to prove to my man that I love all of him wherever and whenever.*Part done as an April Fools' Day joke but, in part, also admittedly serious. :/
Relationships: Bob (A Happening of Monumental Proportions)/Me
Series: "Yes, I Really Am This Pathetic!" or "How to Say I Love You With a Story" [38]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1589944
Kudos: 3





	A Crappening of Monumental Proportions

**Author's Note:**

> This started out when I was thinking "What the heck will my entry for 'A Happening of Monumental Proportions' be? I mean, Keanu's whole scene in the film consists of his character wanting to compare dick sizes with the man who had an affair with his wife."
> 
> It seemed hardly brimming over with good idea possibilities. Until I thought of the fact that they are arguing in a bathroom...and that there would be a toilet and what a gas (sorry) it would be to have a toilet sex scene in this series since it seems that I'm going broke with a gamut of varying sex scenes. Giving head to Bob while he's in the head? Having sex on a toilet? But how to work that with Bob's insecurity? Well you'll see how that turned out...
> 
> And the deliciousness of punning the title...
> 
> And the fact that all of this made me look like a pervert but I have a naughty and odd sense of humor...
> 
> So I safely posted it in on April 1st not to offend any readers...
> 
> But the heart of the story is sincere and I *would* be willing to do this for the man I loved if he needed or wanted it in order to feel better...
> 
> So read at your own risk and happy April Fools!

Although we'd been lovers for close to a year, Bob hadn't let me see his penis yet. 

When we had first met, I had been a virgin and he was a little wary of love so it had just seemed like a natural hesitation on our parts, if you'll excuse the wording. Bob had just gone through a divorce; he'd discovered to his dismay that his wife, Nadine, had been having an affair with her boss Daniel. At first, he'd wanted to try to make the marriage work but after the betrayal it had just fallen apart.

I'm overweight, suffer from AVPD, OCD and depression and, as already was mentioned, had never had a lover when we first met. Which happened when we literally bumped into each other outside of a little cafe. The top had flown off of my malted milkshake and covered the both of us in ice cream and milk. I'd first seen it splattered all over Bob's shirt. I liked his build as I hastily tried to clean him off and was subsequently floored when I saw the handsome face that went along with the body I had successfully covered in the drink I probably shouldn't have been having in the first place.

"It's okay," he had replied with as equally nice of a voice. "I'd wipe you off too but..."

That was when I looked down and had seen milkshake all over the chest my t shirt. "Well it's in the right place," I sighed. 

Noticing that he was still staring, I found more bravery than I had ever thought I could possess, partly because I felt that God had sent my dream man right in front of me and it would be a sin to let him go. "If you won't wipe it off, would you care to lick it off instead?" I asked like a hesitant hussy.

His eyes twinkled, dark and mischievous after a moment of surprise. "Don't tempt me," he replied.

We were dating pretty soon after that and lovers when the time seemed right. He was gentle and considerate. Realizing it was my first time, he made sure that he took care of me first, doing such things as playing with my breasts and clit first to make me wet for his entry. I so badly wanted to see his cock, to touch and play with it, always getting aroused by thinking about doing this to him but he wouldn't let me. He kept saying since it was my first time taking care of me was all that mattered. Anytime I tried to glance at it or sneak a peek he'd find a way to hide it from me and drove me so out of my mind with ecstasy I soon forgot about it.

When he finally pushed it inside I got the chance to feel it in a large way, I told myself and was content. It felt painful at the start, but soon afterwards he made it feel much better and brought me to the point where all I felt was pleasure. When he brought me to climax and then came also, Bob managed to slip out again without my ever having seen that part of him which had satisfied me and that he'd used to take my virginity. But I told myself I'd see it soon enough.

The funny thing was that I never did.

While I had been terrified about what he would think of me naked, Bob never showed any disgust at my overweight body. He'd take me with the lights on when he was just giving me cunnilingus or a breast orgasm. But the moment it turned to him having to whip his unsheathed cock out, the lights went off again. He finally let me give him hand jobs and oral but, once again, the room _had_ to be dark. I received a pretty good feel of his love tool but never actually was allowed to see it. I could get a good guess of what it _did_ look like but that was all. Still I managed to do a pretty good job of pleasing Bob, considering the noises I could elicit from him and the force with which he'd shoot off into my mouth or into my hands. This was probably due to the fact that I loved his cock even though I never had been properly introduced to it. It was attached to the man I loved, after all, and so it was divine to me.

One day after a little gentle prodding into the issue of why I hadn't yet seen his penis, my lover finally came clean about his insecurity.

"Erin, I'm afraid of what you'd think of it," he said not meeting my eyes.

"I'd think it was _beautiful_ ," I told him but he only sighed gruffly and looked away. "Does this have to do with Nadine and Daniel?"

Bob looked at me and his eyes confessed that it did before he even opened his mouth. "Guys are sensitive about their dicks. We see our father's and we grow up thinking they have to be that big even though they looked bigger because we were much smaller then. We compare them in the locker rooms. Women keep saying how big ones are the best...There's so much pressure. When I found out that Nadine had been with another man...and that he was _black_...I became insecure."

"Oh Bob," I said, gently taking his hand.

"I got so obsessed over it that I met with Dan once and demanded that he show me his penis in this little restaurant's restroom."

"Wow!" I exclaimed. "You really were obsessed!"

"You think I'm weird?" Bob asked looking terrified that I'd think he'd gone to far with that one.

"No," I said. "I have OCD, remember? I'm used to my mind getting stuck on things and not letting go."

"Thanks," Bob said in relief. "That's why I fell in love with you: you're sweet and understanding."

"Are you sure it isn't because I was a virgin and couldn't compare you to other guys?" I asked my OCD kicking in again.

Knowing me well, Bob slid over and wrapped his strong arms around me. "No. I loved you the moment you spilled your malted milk on me. And how could I tell you were a virgin from _that_?"

I calmed down realizing that Bob had shown interest in me before knowing that I had never been with a man sexually. Still having him be so kind, sweet and understanding of my worried broken brain made me want to wait for just the right opportunity to prove to him also just how much I loved him and his dick.

No matter what it looked like.

* * *

We moved in together shortly after my lover's admission about his insecurity which allowed me some possibilities for trying to catch a glimpse of his cock. But he always locked the door when he was taking a shower and always seemed to wake up before I did so I couldn't sneak a peek while he was asleep. I think he was on to me but that didn't stop me from trying. And also from _annoying_ my lover on the occassions when I sometimes came close. While the other occassions when he had won found him silently gloating, when I almost caught sight of the desired wee wee, Bob would become very irritable.

I remember victory almost being in my clutches once when we went to the beach. He had gone to change in one of the rooms and when I thought the time was right I burst into it, lucky that he hadn't remembered to lock it. But I wasn't fast enough to focus and Bob was covering himself with both hands by the time I did.

My lover glared at me and then followed my disappointed line of vision to his covered crotch. His insecurity making him mistake the reason for my disappointment, he snapped, "My hands are big!" 

"No!" I snapped back. "I'm sad because I didn't get to see little Bob!"

"See you called it _little_!" he shouted.

"It's just expression!" I said. "You're big Bob! Everything else compared to the big hunk that is you would be little!"

This seemed to soften him a little.

And harden him too apparently. 

Bob started to kiss me passionately and I was backed up against the wall with his penis sliding in and out of me as we did it inside of the changing room before I knew it. It was also before I had a chance to catch a glimpse of Bob's ellusive part which was making me need to bite his beautiful shoulder so that we wouldn't get caught and forbidden to ever set foot on the beach again.

* * *

One night Bob had had enough of my attempts to see his cock and he dragged me to the little restaurant where he had had his confrontation with Daniel. I was wearing a blue dress and it was near closing time as he led me into the place's washroom while the man behind the register was too busy tallying up the day's receipts to even notice our entry. All of the waitresses had seemed to have gone home which should have made me aware that this was a _very_ bad idea. 

But Bob was adamant and I wanted to just see what he needed to show me and then get back home so we could make love. Even if I did not see Bob's leading part of the production.

"This here!" Bob stated. "This is where I demanded that Daniel show me his dick but he chickened out of it...so I knew it must be really small and I settled for giving him an Indian burn instead. Apache style."

Bob placed him hands on his hips and looked at me in triumph. I stared back at him in awe. That the man I loved had brought me to a crummy washroom to show me where he had wanted to appease his penis envy flabbergasted me and left me speechless. That there was an elephant drawing on the wall only made it all the more ridiculous. 

I guess our staring at each other in silence didn't help matters. All of that quiet didn't alert the man outside that there were two people in his washroom and we were so trapped in our awkward stare we failed to notice he had locked the door and left the store.

"Do you think I was being stupid?" Bob asked, suddenly very sheepishly.

I shook my head. "A little. Which is NOT a word I would ever use to describe your dick," I clarified.

"But you haven't seen it," Bob countered.

"Yes, but I've felt it filling up my big cunt quite nicely," I retaliated. "Now could we please go home and do just that?"

"Okay," my love commented, willing to forego the ongoing battle he had over his size insecurity for some nookie.

When I had turned around, however, I turned the washroom door knob and it would not budge.

"Bob?" I squeaked. "It won't open."

"It won't?"

"No!"

Bob was instantly behind me.

"The owner must have not known we were in here and closed up for the night!" I exclaimed, pulling frantically on the door and wishing it was Bob's penis instead and we were both back home in our darkened bedroom.

Bob took over but was equally unsuccessful. We both started to bang on the door and call out for help but gave up after about five minutes. 

It was clear that nobody was coming.

We were locked in for the night.

* * *

You'd a thought between us both that there might have been a cellphone. I never travelled with one when I was with Bob though. He's the only one I'd usually ever call or who would call me. And Bob's phone's battery was dead and he had no recharger with him. We found ourselves trapped in the bathroom.

The man looked guilty all of a sudden and turned his sad, brown eyes on me. "You're going to blame this on me aren't you...you'll leave me for some other guy...a guy who's smarter and not so obsessed with his penis!"

I sighed and sat down on the floor. It was probably a gross thing to do but I was tired and didn't feel like sitting on the only chair in the place. "Bob, as you said, most guys are focused on their penises...I just wish that you'd believe me that I love yours just as it is!"

Bob sighed and looked down at the floor and away from me.

"Can I tell you that size is relative?" I ventured. "It goes with the size of a woman's vagina? I've heard cases where a woman will love her boyfriend but the boyfriend's cock is too big. Making love to him is very painful for her even if she loves him with all of her heart and soul. The parts don't fit right; ours do. If I couldn't make love to you that is what would truly upset me."

Bob looked down at me and I thought I saw that there was a glimmer of hope that I was finally getting through to him.

"Or that man Dirk Diggler was based off of in 'Boogie Nights': John Holmes. One of his co-stars said she nicknamed him 'The Sponge' because she could never tell if he was hard or not. His penis was so big they weren't sure that the blood could properly reach it for a strong enough erection."

"Really?" Bob asked incredulously.

I nodded. "You see, big isn't always better."

He contemplated this for a while and I could see Bob's expression still showing signs of relief. Until it suddenly changed that is to one of discomfort.

"What's wrong?" I asked, getting to my feet and holding my boyfriend's arm as his face looked suddenly pained.

"Right now I'm both _regretting_ that we ate Mexican and _grateful_ that we're stuck in a bathroom," Bob stated.

"Oh," I said followed by a more enthusiastic " _Ohhhh_!" as realization struck me.

"Turn around while I take care of it, Erin," Bob stated.

"Okay," I replied and spun around.

When we had first moved in together, I'd been scared to death about Bob smelling any odor that I left in the bathroom. Even with air fresheners...I mean, all those things usually do is just add a more pleasant scent on top of the other. It had taken me a while to learn that my man couldn't care less what stink I had caused when I took a crap. Hearing Bob's bathroom noises or smelling what he left behind didn't bother me at all either. My family hadn't given a shit about being modest in their bathroom habits. Or rather they _had_ given a shit. So we'd arrived at the state in our relationship where our bathroom habits were accepted. Except Bob didn't like me seeing him in the bathroom because that meant I might see his...

...

It seemed like God had thrown me the perfect chance of finally seeing Bob's cock while he was sitting on the throne. I just had to wait for the right moment where it would be impossible or very messy for my man to stand and shield himself. And also be fast enough to pounce on his crotch before he could cover himself up. The element of surprise was on my side. I doubted Bob would ever suspect I would be willing to go to such extreme measures to try to view his penis while he was attending to such a personal matter. He'd probably think it was too gross and I'd never sink that low.

He'd never know that I'd consider it merely going to any level possible to raise his confidence in his dick!

Standing patiently with my back to my man, I waited for just the right sounds which would indicate he was midway through his actions. It was a testament to Bob's general good manners that he kept asking me to excuse him. 

"When I was a little girl," I recollected, still keeping my ear out, "and my mom taught me to say excuse me after I farted, I asked her if I needed to say it when I was in a room alone."

"What did she say?" Bob asked, strain obvious in his voice.

"That yes, even then, because God could still hear me. So even now if I fart when I'm alone I still say excuse me because God can hear me."

Bob started laughing and this act was further my accomplice because he was so busy doing it he was distracted when I suddenly spun aroun while he was still facing the repercussion of his extra spicy taco. I pounced on his penis with shocking speed for my size and all Bob could do was jolt backwards in surprise. He was too late for anything else; his cock was in my grasp before he knew it.

"Erin!" he said in a plaintive plea and I felt sorry for him.

But I _had_ to do this intervention to save the man from his penis envy and prove to him that I loved every inch of him that was there and not the ones he wished were.

Looking at my hands, already familiar with the feeling of the organ, I was granted with my first sight of it and I looked from it to the flushed face of my lover.

"You thought this was _small_?" I asked.

"Well that's not it at full height," Bob said and I could both see and feel that he was trembling.

"We'll have to change that," I said with a mischievous smile.

I was closer to the toilet now and the smell of...well the smell of what used to be a taco. But, at least, it wasn't _too_ bad. I mean, over time you start to put the scents of craps in different categories. There are ones that make you want to gag because they are just plain out atrocious. But then there are some that are tolerable and almost come out smelling like Mexican food itself. Luckily the one Bob was still completing fell into this last category.

At first, I began to give Bob a hand job. I spit into my palm and started to run my hand up and down his dormant penis and I could see Bob cringing from his misconception that it didn't have a long way to travel.

I had to convince him it seemed.

"Ohhhh such a _big_ piece of meat," I cooed. "Almost _too_ big for my fist...look at all of this...you didn't want me to see it... _ohhh_ baby...why deprive the girl that loves you from _such_ a sight."

My hand continued to pump the member as it came alive and I saw Bob's face softening from his fear while the cock in my hand was growing hard. It was God's own miracle to watch the member rising and swelling. The way the shade was changing to a deeper shade of red and the veins started to bulge out like ropes. The beast that had been sleeping was coming awake and boy was it angry! It was also tremendously turning me on to actually get to watch it coming alive from my touch and the look of ecstasy slowly claiming my love's face.

"Bad bad _big_ _big_ boy," I chastised, getting a little more rougher with the shaft but bringing my other hand to the head to gently stimulate it. "You've been _so_ mean to me...you are a sight for sore eyes...oh _Bob.._.you're such a _handful_ baby...I bet you're a _mouthful_ too..."

I leaned forward into my lover's lap and slowly licked the beautiful red erection before me, making a show of it for Bob. I could tell from the hungry way he was watching me, and the way his penis twitched as my tongue stroked it, that he enjoyed the sight of me going to work on his penis as much as I enjoyed watching its reaction to what I was doing to it. As if to further prove Bob's excitement a spurt of precome came out.

"You gonna _feed_ me baby?" I asked sensuously. "I'm so _hungry_ for you, Robert, and you look like you got _more_ than _enough_ to satisfy my _appetite_.

"I do?" Bob asked.

Instead of answering, I let my tongue trail up the precome dribbling down the fully stiff and pulsating cock until my mouth came to the glans and slit. I started to tighten then loosen my lips around the swollen part and Bob groaned. More liquid shot off into my mouth and I swallowed it. I started to take my man in by degrees and Bob squirmed on his porcelain throne. His work was over but he wasn't about to get up to do the paperwork while I was working his cock with both lips and tongue. More and more precome was coming out and I looked up to see Bob staring down at me in complete arousal. He looked like he wanted to ram his whole cock down my throat and I tried my best to comply. As I took him deeper in, we stared at each other and I felt my own clit swelling between my legs and the pleasure of my own arousal as the blood went to my vagina offering delicious pressure. I was so excited that I tried to moan, causing Bob's dick inside of my mouth to vibrate. Bob grunted in pleasure and I looked up into his eyes with my own desperate need while his swollen member filled my mouth and throat.

"Take that thing out of your mouth," Bob managed to moan. "And let me shove it up your pussy, Erin."

My eyes widened as I looked at my man in questioning hope.

"Do it" he commanded.

I slowly slid the penis out of me and Bob and I both took a moment to see it large, looming and covered with my saliva and his precome. "Don't keep me waiting woman," he pleaded as some more fluid leaked out.

I hastily rose to my feet and slipped out of my black panties, tossing them onto the floor as I went to Bob. Spreading my legs, I positioned myself over his lap and impatient dick all the while as Bob remained sitting on the toilet. The skin on my lower limbs was pressed against the smooth cold porcelain of the bowl and I was about to lower myself onto the cock beneath me when Bob's large hands grabbed my ass and pushed me down on it, impaling my body onto his by himself.

I called out in pleasure as I felt the organ I had finally gotten to see filling me.

"Ohhhh... _see_..." I moaned. "We fit so perfectly together."

Bob began to squeeze my butt cheeks. "Unhhh," he said. "Baby, you're right."

Teasingly, I slowly moved my body up, feeling the erection sliding down my cunt, only to have Bob push me back down on it. He gazed down at our actions and our bodies linked and a lascivious smile seized his lips. I think he was relishing the sight of him sliding in and out of my wet lower lips as much as he had my top pair. His hands started to caress my ass, a finger dipping into the crack and running down it. I repeated raising myself for Bob to push back down onto his cock.

" _Oohhhhh_ ," I cried out in delight. 

Suddenly Bob's hands went to the front of my blue dress. I watched as he ripped the front of it so I was sitting with his cock about a mile inside of me with little more than a torn dress and a bra on. Not for too long however. Bob completed his desired intent by grabbing around to the back and unhooking the bra. Taking a bite of the lacy lingerie, my man ripped it off with his teeth and spat it on to the floor. Looking at my exposed breasts, he grabbed them and started to bury his head in the soft flesh, licking, kissing, sucking and biting. I was becoming a mess as he did this, his lips and fingers finding my nipples to suck and pull on respectively.

"BOB!" I shouted as he gave an extra thrust upward while he was pulling me back down on his urgent erection.

While one hand played with a peaking teat, he rolled his tongue around the other. To my surprise I felt his free hand suddenly dip back into my ass to play with the hole and I cried out again, loudly.

Bob took his mouth occassionally off of the nipple he was sucking on to talk to me. "These...Nadine wasn't this big. She was a B...I used to wonder what it would be like to have fuck a big girl with a pair like these to rest my head on after a hard day of work. I used to imagine coming all over a big pair but felt guilty about it for Nadine's sake. Even though she was running around behind my back."

I stroked my lover's longish dark hair in comfort.

"Then I met you and fell in love at first sight...with all of that milkshake on your breasts. It's like God sent me my consolation. But I remember how shy you were to show these to me..."

Another deep suckle and I moaned as my cunt clenched his dick.

"They weren't perky enough, you said. But I love them, Erin. Like I love you. I can stay here all day."

He sucked some more and then pushed his head between my large breasts and nuzzled them all as he thrusted inside of me, pulled on a tit and massaged my asshole. "I've wanted to put my cock right here," he confessed. "To watch it slide up and down between them..."

In imitation of his word I moved my body, making his penis slide in and out again.

"Can I do that...would you mind? Would you mind me spurting my jizz all over them, like that milkshake, and rubbing it in? Or maybe on them and your face too. Can I, Erin?" he asked, his breath hot and wet on my right breast.

In truth, I always wanted him to do that to me. But even if I hadn't, right then, half out of my mind from his cock stimulating my vagina and clit simultaneously as his finger played with my butthole and his mouth and hand adored my overly sensitive chest, if Bob had asked me to wipe his ass after he got off the pot, I would have happily agreed.

"Oh yes, Bob!" I cried. " _YES_!"

I continued to go right on screaming while Bob went right on manipulating me like I was a pinball machine he was an expert at playing. He was pushing all the right buttons. And from the way his penis was hard, wet and going deep inside of me, I knew that he was mad with lust himself. My arms flailing and trying to grab his head better, which was still devouring my breasts, my elbow accidentally knocked into the flusher. I heard the familiar sound signaling that Bob's shit was being taken away and pictured bits of water splashing up and hitting Bob on his ass. I'd always kind of liked that feeling when I was younger. Now picturing it doing it to my love's delicious butt I was pushed a little closer to climax.

" _BOB_!" I cried out. "Can...can we... _unh_...finally sho-shower to-together?" I asked. "C-can I-I wash your _AHHH-AHHHss_?"

"Baby you can wash my dick off," Bob declared taking his head from out of my bosom.

" _Ohhhhhh_!" I cooed as I lowered my head and my lips found his.

We kissed each other passionately as we both reached our peak together, him shooting his load into me like he was old faithful and my cunt swallowing it like it was the Sarlac pit.

" _Oh...oh...oh_..." I mumbled incoherently as Bob panted beneath me.

"That...that was hotter than the taco was," he finally managed to say.

" _Oohh yes_ ," I moaned. 

Looking down at where we were sitting, it suddenly hit me just where we had had a bout of mind blowing sex. Bob must have had the same realization at the same time. Our eyes met and I said, "I'll never tell if you won't."

"Agreed," Bob said.

We leaned closer for a sweet kiss. Bob followed it by placing several small kisses on my throat and then kissing my breasts too. He was doing this when we both heard the door opening behind us.

I bent my head backwards, Bob's hands about my waist, to see, upside down, the visage of the restaurant owner standing in the doorway with a cop by his side. Seeing the cop and owner staring down at us in shock, there was really only one word for Bob and I to say and we said it together in unison:

" _Shit_."

**Author's Note:**

> I hope if Keanu Reeves ever does read these (which is highly unlikely) he wouldn't think less of me after that. :/


End file.
